“H” is for heartbreak…

Today is a rough day. And that’s ok, we’re all allowed one every now and then. As much as we may try, life can’t always be sunshine and rainbows. As many of you know, I have PCOS and because of this the butcher and I have struggled with infertility, suffering through three miscarriages over the past several years. This is something that is often very hard for people to understand and with good intentions of course, say things like “just relax, it will happen”, “why don’t you just adopt”, and the worst of all, when meeting someone new, “are you planning on having children?”. Unfortunately infertility has nothing to do with relaxing, just like you can’t cure cancer by doing yoga. And although adoption is a wonderful thing, it is extremely expensive and comes with its own set of anxieties. About seven months ago though, we had a little glimmer of hope when we thought we might have the chance to do a private adoption (this is the best case financial scenario as far as adoption goes because you cut out the middleman adoption agency which is where most of the fees accumulate and deal directly with the expectant mother and an adoption lawyer) with a woman my husband worked with that was contemplating putting her baby up for adoption. She was a very young, single woman, with no means to support a child and not even necessarily the desire either. We tried not to get our hopes up but spoke with her over the next few months letting her know we were interested and contacted an adoption attorney who we kept on standby as we waited for her to make her decision. She seemed to really like us and gave us the very strong impression that she wanted to do this and wanted us to be the adoptive parents. We didn’t talk about it much with our friends and family, or even each other for that matter, and I honestly tried to put it out of my mind as at this point I’m unfortunately used to disappointment in this area (but that doesn’t mean I didn’t secretly create a registry on Target.com and make a private “adoption” board on Pinterest). Long story short, she had the baby last week. And she decided to keep it. Like I said, I was preparing for this so although I was crushed, my husband took it harder. And to add insult to injury, she recently started dating another coworker who is in the same department as my husband. He (who is also very young) has moved in with her and is supposedly going to “help her” raise the baby. Today, my husband came home on his lunch break and told me that they came into work today (already a sign of two kids with no idea what they’re doing bringing a one week old out on a rainy day to a crowded grocery store) with a little pink-faced, black-haired, 6 pound boy to show off. “That should have been my son” is all he could muster to say to me. It was like a bullet to our chests and every pent-up emotion from the beginning of this process came flooding out. And my poor husband, though he’s made of steel, now has this in his face every day. As upsetting as this all is I know we have each other, an adorable puppy, two beautiful nieces we love like our own, and are surrounded by great friends and family. This isn’t the end, we aren’t giving up, and even if it doesn’t happen now we have a brighter hope for the future. So tomorrow is another day and things will get better, but for today I’ll allow myself a little cry, because “h” is for heartbreak.
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10 thoughts on ““H” is for heartbreak…

  1. I wish I could take both of you guys pain away I’ll do anything to make you feel better and help deal w this xo

  2. I frequent your blog and today after reading, I found myself thinking about you and your husband A LOT….
    It takes serious guts to share such a deep pain with the world and I admire your strength. I’m in awe of the kindness you’ve given yourself; allowing your soul to reflect and heal. Thanks for the inspiration.

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